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Inside the Mad Linguist

by Jonathan Best

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1.
You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout dogs and cats You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout things lilke that You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout wild bees You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout cheeze You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout electric shocks You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout high heeled socks You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout a full man’s shoe You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout glue You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout electric boogie You don’t know nothin’ ‘gettin noogie You don’t know nothin’ ‘shoppin' at the mall You don’t know nothin’ at all nothin’ at all and That just about sums it up
2.
3.
It will not be electric It will use very large balloons You will at birth select it We’ll grow them in the womb It will not be electric But it will radiate And be the first non-human elected And then you will forget It will not be electric It will use tiny metal balls It will make everybody rich And always makin’ love LL Bean has got one And so does Sara Lee You won’t even taste it in your food We’ll send it out in space It will not be electric But underneath your skin We’ll personalize your body And eat whatever food you like It will not be electric It will use you like you used me Your body will not reject it And then you will forget
4.
In Your Pan 02:48
5.
Cheerios 02:38
I was sittin’ by the telephone I could tell it could see me crying Took my love to Sheridon Square But the women they weren’t buying Came back home to my telephone Called every number that I owned Gave them every yes I had All they gave me back was nos So I had to get out my box of Cheerios I had to pour me a bowl of Cheerios How many dreams must I wake up from Before I know I’m just a dreamer How many times must she lie to me ‘Till I can just say what the heck and believe her Took the train to the moon last night Spread on the mustard and had a bite It didn’t fill me up to well Why it didn’t only heaven knows But I had to get out my box of Cheerios I had to pour me a bowl of Cheerios Cheerios Cheerios I had a couple of bowls of those It was so good that I had some more I had so much some went on the floor I started fearing that I had to much when my mouth just wouldn’t close But I had to get out another box of Cheerios I had to pour me a bowl of Cheerios I put the milk on the bowl of Cheerios I dropped my face into the bowl of Cheerios
6.
I want you to hold me Please hold me Hold me in your lovin’ arms I want you to lift me From this road, lord That’s been wearing down my soul too long Ford’s got a better idea A better idea than you When the devil wants to hold you Lucite’ll turn you loose Ford’s got a better idea A better idea than me Lord I want you to lift me then I’ll fall into the gap I got Victoria, Victoria, Victoria’s secret in my soul Go back to Starbucks Get a latte Go back to Starbucks Get another Go back to Starbucks Get a latte Go back to Starbucks Get another Go back to Starbucks Get a latte Go back to Starbucks Get another Go back to Starbucks Get a latte And then I’ll fall into the gap
7.
Higher 05:42
I look into your eye It moves me But in the other eye I see someone still born And when something passes by brushing you softly Like fur In this darkness do you dare Holding me softly At first And when you hear that Long forgotten sound You must not hold on to the ground Love will never come down To meet you It’s gonna take you higher Higher and then It’s gonna take you higher Higher again You look up to the stars It moves you You look down at your feet Yes we’re trying so hard When you try to look inside It’s such a deli Cate birth In this darkness do you dare Holding me softly At first And when you hear that Long forgotten sound You must not hold on to the ground Love will never come down To meet you It’s gonna take you higher Higher and then It’s gonna take you higher Higher again It’s gonna take you higher Higher and then It’s gonna take you lower
8.
Lift your paw your master says sit Rollin over you have to shit You grab your leash and wag your tail And out the door you sniff the street your Walkin in the Middle Of It Sniffin’ a land mine Every night the jokes cut deeper Shake your fist at the world to close to death to sleep You just ate and now you can’t lift a leg but your Walkin in the Middle Of It Carryin a time bomb If you open up the world like a can you see the angels shop while the alpha males try to understand How the other nine tenths live Ronald Reagan had a vision and I’m Walkin in the Middle Of It Carryin a land mine The closer I get to death the scareder I get that I might be God and set fire to the neighborhood Me and the Kennewick Man Walkin in the Middle Of It Carryin a time bomb Slippin to the devil what God wouldn’t give me Brings to mind the time my mom who died was sure That I didn’t have it in me Now my blanket is in tatters and I’m Walkin in the Middle Of It Carryin a land mine Walkin in the Middle Of It Carryin a time bomb
9.
Rush 03:09
You watch your baby And then you let her know You love your baby And then you let her go You’re taking over Walking her down to the river’s edge And when you walk on water And hold her going down the falls You see your daughter’s daughter Hear your father’s father call You watch your baby Tie her brand new shoe She’s walking, baby Walking away from you She’s taking over But this child will never leave your world ‘Cause when you walk on water And hold each other down the falls You see your daughter’s daughter Hear your father’s father call
10.
I had a dream It washed away the anger And helped me to remember Just who we are And in that dream We were exploring caves when A light drew you even deeper To places unknown Don’t forget to wake me up I’ll Love you while my dreams are hot and Just in case I done forgot just What it is that we have got you must Not be scared to wake me up I’ll Love you and I’m never gonna stop And in that dream Your voice was singing to me Words that went right through me Warming my flesh The words that you sang Were from an unknown language Sounds that I never heard before Rocking my soul We go back to the big bang where We first met I don’t understand what my maker told me But her words I’ll not forget She said our love is not about two candles melting into one Our love is not that kind of coupledom It’s more like a big black hole That’s a billion times bigger than the sum It’s from the big bang That’s where it’s from It’s from the Big Bang Now don’t play dumb It’s from the big bang Yum yum Our love just keeps expanding I had a dream It washed away the anger And helped me to remember Just who we are
11.
Call your Mama when you need love Call your daddy when the money is gone Call your doctor when you don’t feel good Call me baby, when you wanna shake the world I say shake the world Wo, wo wo Do ya do ya wanna shake the world Call your sister when you’re all alone Call your boyfriend when you wanna talk all night long Call your girlfriend when you wanna pitch and woo Call me baby when you wanna shake the world I say shake the world Wo, wo wo Do ya do ya wanna shake the world Are you scared of doin’ time? Let’s shake it up The world outside your mind Call on Dr. Freud When you wanna figure me out Call on my man Jesus When you begin to doubt Call on Ben & Jerry when you wanna cuddle up Call me baby when you wanna shake the world I say shake the world Wo, wo wo Do ya do ya wanna shake the world
12.
And I'm walkin Whistlin' Lookin' And Listenin' Bangled elephant Flyin' through the sideshow No one's watching him I guess he's on his own now And I'm walkin Whistlin' I'm Lookin' And Listenin' Crazy little man With his big shoes barkin' Tattooed human fly Winks in my direction And I'm walkin Whistlin' I'm Lookin' And Listenin' When that ringmaster calls me I have to tell him no I'd to love to watch and listen But I'm not in your show Livin' in the wild free like Jumbo I'd mind livin' in the jungle And I'm walkin Whistlin' I'm Lookin' And Listenin' And I'm walkin Whistlin' I'm hummin' And Listenin'
13.
Why am I so scared Why am I so blue Why is it so hard to be close to you Let me turn away Let me walk home slow There’s too much on my mind So just let me go But when I get home and turn on the TV That box expects me to be what it wants me to be I’m finding it hard to understand What it means to be a man I have a place inside Where no man ever goes Even my own heart it doesn’t know It is so well hid So I can’t get hurt But now I think that I’m under orange alert When I was just a boy my very best friend Touched me like I never wanted it to end But my friends laughed and they shamed me Then I grew up to be a man I wanted every woman I could see I tried so hard to be what a man is supposed to be I found it hard to understand A man loving a man Why am I so scared Why am I so blue Why is it so hard to be close to you Let me turn away Let me walk home slow Right back to that place No man ever goes But maybe if I could just set myself free And be the man that only I want to be Then maybe I could understand A man loving a man Maybe if I could just love myself head to knee And keep loving myself unconditionally Then maybe I could understand A man loving a man Maybe even I could understand A man loving a man

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released September 27, 2012

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Jonathan Best Prescott, Arizona

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